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Saturday, February 28, 2015


The beginning of this month has been interesting.  I went out of town the day AF showed up and forgot my OvaCue in my dresser drawer on accident.  By the time I got home, I was already on CD 6 so it was too late to start.  So... we are just flying by the seat of our pants this month! 

I started my month with an email from a friend I met online as we were struggling through our fertility frustrations a couple years ago.  We supported each other through many struggles even though we never got to meet.  It is crazy how you meet people online and you feel like you have known them for so long!  When I got pregnant with the twins, I became very disconnected from all technology because I was so sick and anything with a screen made my world spin for many, many months.  As we began trying again and I came back to my much needed outlet - I have no idea if anyone really reads this, but I NEED it - I received a comment from her and then an email.  I was elated!  I found out she has a little boy who just turned 1 from IVF and as fate would have it... she is currently living in the exact same city as me... what?!?!  That is fate.  I do not live in a popular city... or state for that matter!  I needed to meet her and I LOVED her!!  She is just as charming and sweet as I imagined.  We met for dinner and talked for hours!  I can't wait to get to know her and her sweet little family better.  We are back on this journey together again.  Her journey is more laid out for her and planned... and mine is completely up in the air.  D... you know who you are and I want to say "Thank you" for reaching out to me!  I am beyond blessed to have your friendship and to have been able to spend some time with you this month.  I needed you! 

I also found out that another online blogger friend is expecting twins!!!!  She has had an extremely difficult journey and her outlook on everything is absolutely phenomenal!  I am so excited for her to be a part of the very exclusive club of twin moms... she now has super powers!  You are going to be an amazing mom and I will be here every step of the way as you navigate the life with two newborns... two toddler... two teenagers... eek!!

I have no idea what this month will bring.  Last month my cycle was 30 days.  I ovulated on CD16.  I am frustrated that I forgot my monitor and am doing yet another month blindly.  It is currently CD14... we BDed this afternoon during nap time (HA!  life with twins, right!?), so hopefully we had perfect timing because I am having some significant ovulation pains/cramping this evening!  Crossing my fingers.  We will BD tomorrow afternoon again just for good measure!  I am finding the trying to be much more difficult now with the twins.... especially this week.  The twins have both been teething and sick so they have been up a lot at night and needy during the day.  That makes for one EXTREMELY tired mommy who falls asleep early... that isn't ideal during the most fertile time of the month.  We made it... I always feel like we should be doing more.  I am having my blood work taken at the end of the month to make sure I am actually ovulating and we have our fertility appointment mid-month.  I think I am still going to keep it.  If I am ovulating, I really just want to make sure everything is ok and if possible, I really want to do the trigger shot without any other medication so we can time it perfectly without increasing our risk for multiples.  Ugh.... just really crossing my fingers for this month.   Sadly, I am already at the place where I just have my doubt.  You see so many negative pregnancy tests that it seems impossible that one would actually become positive.  Ugh. 

I sometimes feel guilty that I have these feelings and frustrations about trying for our next little one.  Like I am not grateful... like I am taking what I already have for granted.  Is it wrong to so badly want another when I am already so blessed?  Am I greedy?  I am thankful... beyond thankful.  I have two beautiful two year olds who are thriving.  I am blessed to be able to spend each and every day with them! 

Monday, February 16, 2015

CD 2... Grrrrr.

Why doesn't it ever change?  That feeling you get on CD 28.  The day AF is supposed to show up, but she hasn't yet... the hope, even though you've already taken 5 HPTs and all are negative.  But maybe, just maybe, they were wrong.  They weren't.  My cycle was 2 days longer than normal this month... talk about false hope.  Of course, took a HPT and AF shows up.  I don't even need to wait for the result... just have to look at the toilet paper.  Ugh.  I am getting to a place that I didn't want to be. 

 The past couple weeks have been difficult.  I should have been welcoming another baby into this family.  I honestly can't imagine it, but it makes me sad.  Instead... I spent that week potty training my two little minions.  They were champs!  Getting them to go potty has been a breeze, but the poop... ugh!  They are crib poopers... always pooping when they are in their cribs so I can't catch them in the act.  I finally caught Jake needing to poop at dinner tonight so we locked ourselves in the bathroom and... SUCCESS!!!  Thank God for them.... they are the light of my world and they keep me from going back to the darkness of loss and grief.  They remind me of how thankful I am to have this time with them... and only them.  I know, in my heart, that we will have another baby... that is my mantra and I will keep telling myself that until I believe it!

Here is my OvaCue readings for the month...

My last entry was on CD 11 with my significant low.  We definitely BDed because of the dip in my vaginal readings which would indicate ovulation approaching.  Like I predicted, the pink box was populated due to the increase in readings on CD12 (indicating the switch to progesterone dominance that occurs after ovulation).  However, I saw my reading starting to drop again on CD14 and CD15.  Since they were dropping I continued to consider myself fertile and expected to see the purple box show up... and it did!  The dip on CD 15, followed by the increase in reading on CD16, indicates that ovulation occurred between the reading on CD15/16.  I actually ovulated later than I would've expected, which might explain the two extra days added to my cycle this month.  Once ovulation was confirmed, my readings remain elevated throughout the luteal phase and then start to decrease as AF approaches (indicating the decrease in progesterone).  It looks like a pretty typical cycle... so excited to start the next month!

I still have this feeling that something isn't right.  Am I ovulating?  Are my eggs getting mature enough?  Is my lining ok?  I have been having some severe lower back pain (different than anything I have ever experienced) with my cycles.  Increases around ovulation and right before my period begins.  It is debilitating and it makes me wonder if my endometriosis has gotten out of control or if I have cysts on my ovaries that are causing pain.  Too much to wonder.  E and I decided that it was time to make an appointment with our RE for this month to make sure that everything is in working order and see if we can figure out a way to get relief for my back... whether that is going back to PT or if I need another laparascopy to remove the endometrial tissue. I will be calling first thing tomorrow morning.  It is already CD 3 tomorrow, so if they are going to get me in for bloodwork, this cycle, we need to do it right away. Either way, we are back here.  Right back where I didn't want to be!  I don't want to walk back into that office.  But I will...