I am still alive....

July's cycle was a bust.  No miracle happened.  On to the next cycle....

We did 25mg clomid daily (half a tablet) CD3-8.  I went in for my midcycle ultrasound and I had 3 mature follicles - 18, 18, 19- and my endometrial lining was thick (can't remember the details).  We decided to trigger and have timed intercourse.  I started the progesterone suppositories and eventually and inevitably got my period on 8/26.  Ugh.  I am frustrated. 

Unfortunately, my husband and I have been dealing with some issues in our marriage and I am wanting to take some time off from actively trying.  We are very strong and I know we will get through this, but I want to take a couple months off in order to take that stress away.  I have felt a very strong need to have a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy again.  I felt like there was more going on with my own body that has been impacting fertility.  I also have been having horrible back pain that is impacting my quality of life and ability to do things... like sitting in a chair or laying on the floor.  When I got my period, I called and scheduled an appointment with the doctor to make a decision whether we continue to go through treatment or go forward with the procedure and take some time off from trying.  Since I was wanting to take some time off trying, I thought this would be the perfect time to go through with the surgery.  So....

Today I am recovering from my second laparoscopy and hysteroscopy.  I had the procedure yesterday at 1pm and was able to come home about 6pm.  My parents were able to take the twins with them up to our lake cabin to give me some time to recover.  I can't lift hem for 2 weeks, so we are going to need to get creative.  When talking to the doctor, typically second laparoscopy surgeries with removal of endometriosis does not increase fertility like the initial procedure will.  Unless of course there is something structural going on.  My biggest reason for wanting the procedure done was relief of my back pain, but I also had a gut feeling that something else was wrong. Initially, we were just going to do the laparoscopy, but with the concern of Asherman's after my first d&c, we decided to do the laparoscopy because I have had a second d&c.  Why not do it all while I am already under for this procedure. 

The procedure went very well.  She removed endometrial tissue that was adhering my uterus to my posterior pelvic wall... right where all my back pain is.  They also removed what appeared to be a second accessory fallopian tube... yes, that would mean I had 3 fallopian tubes?!  The pathology report came back and it was tubal tissue.  She thinks they missed it during the first laparoscopy because of the significant adhesions I had... still not sure how you miss a third fallopian tube!   My actual, working left fallopian tube was tied up like a pretzel.  She thought that the accessory fallopian tube was causing my left fallopian tube to get tied up.  She flushed out both tubes and now both are working appropriately!  She also did a hysteroscopy and found some mild adhesions in the lower uterus.  She actually had some difficulty inserting the scope into the uterus.  She was able to remove these "filmy adhesions" rather smoothly.  All of these things were directly impacting fertility!!!  I KNEW I needed this procedure.  Always trust your gut!!!  Dr V said that this was definitely a case where a second laparoscopy and hysteroscopy definitely impact fertility because of all the structural things that she found.  Yay!!

Now if I can get my hubby to actually do the things he says he is doing.  I have a SA scheduled for tomorrow to get a baseline.  I have vitamins for him to take (if he will take them) and am hoping he will give up the chewing and drinking.  I can only hope that the SA results will give him a reality check.  It takes 3 months to improve the SA results, so this is the perfect time.  We obviously have to take this month off and can start trying next month... if we/I want to. 

I am going to continue to lay on my couch and watch some smut TV in total silence for the next 20 minutes.  Then I have to go to a therapy appointment and then take my "babies" to their preschool open house?!?!  What?!?!  This can't be happening!!


Until then... I am going to enjoy.  This doesn't happen often!

Took some time to "just be"....

The last time I sat down to write about this incredibly frustrating journey, I was 13 dpo of the cycle in May... a cycle with a horrible false glimmer of hope.  I ended up getting my period on CD28... right on cue.  June was the exact same and this cycle is a whole different story!  I was so tired of writing the same thing over and over and over... failure after failure after failure.  I needed some time to not think about it... that didn't work.

Start of the next cycle...  I had talked to the NP at my last mid cycle ultrasound about when it would be time to start clomid to try and get an extra follicle to increase our chances of fertilization.  We decided now is that time.  So I called the office with the start of the next cycle and they called in a prescription for 50mg of clomid to take days 3-8.  I was able to skip the baseline ultrasound since I was not previously on any medication and have never had any issues with cysts.  The clomid wasn't horrible... a little crabbier, but everyone survived!  I went in for my CD12 ultrasound and the clomid definitely did what it was supposed to do.  She started the ultrasound and the follicles kept coming.  Not as many as the month I got pregnant with the twins, but 4 measurable follicles: 18, 17, 14, 13 and many that were just slightly smaller.  Unfortunately, this meant that we needed to abstain for the month because the risk for multiples was too high.  Total devastation.  Had this been a cycle prior to the twins, we would've triggered for sure, but after my high risk twin pregnancy and my strong desire to avoid another set of twins (sometimes I would really want another set)... I agreed that it was the best option.  However, it took us 9 follicles to get 3 eggs fertilized, so 4 follicles seems about right to get 1 egg fertilized!  This month has been full of regret.... maybe we should've ignored the doctor's orders and taken the chance.  I am just REALLY ready for the next month to start! 

It is currently CD27, not sure what DPO since I basically took this whole month off of even thinking about it.  There is a slight chance of pregnancy since we did have sex the night before my CD12 ultrasound, so there was likely sperm still living when I ovulated... wouldn't that be something!?!  Things like that don't happen to me, so I am not holding my breath.  Just hoping I can get in on Friday to get my baseline ultrasound and get the next month started.  I need to feel like we are back on track.   

On a positive note, I reached my deductible for my insurance so everything has been 100% covered since April!!  YAY!!  So glad I have Wellmark BCBS insurance an they cover all fertility treatments up to an insemination!  The only blessing here. 


Will update if some total miracle happens in the next couple days!

13 dpo...

I have thought all day that today was 12dpo... when I sat down to write this post, I realized that it is actually 13dpo.  That was the fastest 1 day wait ever!  I don't know if I am having any pregnancy symptoms or if they are progesterone side effects or just good old PMS.  My boobs are sore, I have a lot of gas and constipation... and I'm emotional and moody.  I am not supposed to test until Friday (my period should be here anytime between now and then), but I couldn't wait.  I tested this morning and got a negative... I think!?  I used a FRER test and I swear I could see a very light shadow if I looked in the right light.  Seriously... I probably had to hold it up to the light, stand on my head and squint to see something, but I swear there was something there.  Who knows... my mind could very possibly be playing tricks on me.  I didn't have the best sample this morning because I woke up with one of the kids at 3 and had to go to the bathroom.  Then I was up for the day at 7... so it was really only a 4 hour hold!  I wanted to be sure that I had enough tests for tomorrow morning if my period hadn't shown up, so I hauled the kids out in the rain to stock up.  You get a lot of funny looks from people when you have two noisy toddlers and are buying a bunch of pregnancy tests ;)

I spent the evening with a friend who is pregnant with her first.  She got pregnant after having sex one time in the entire month... without even trying.  They are married, but were actually trying to avoid.  I don't know how many times she complained to me about the discomfort when sleeping, waking up to pee in the middle of the night, heartburn... all those things that I would do ANYTHING to be experiencing right now.  It makes me so angry when people take those little things for granted... they are miracles. 

I can only pray for good news in the morning.  I will hold my pee until the wee hours of the morning.  There will be no misleading results of the test tomorrow...

Wish me luck!

2 DPO

As usual, I overthought the timing of sex.  Since we had sex the night before the trigger shot (Tuesday), we were supposed to skip the night of the trigger (Wed) and do it the night after (Thurs) and the following night (Fri).  If ovulation was going to occur about 36 hours after the trigger then I would've been ovulating about 9pm on Thursday night.  It seemed like bad timing to not have sex until right when ovation was happening.  I wanted to give the little spermies a headstart!  So I summoned my hubby home from work on Thursday afternoon... HA!  We then had sex on Friday night as well and I am crossing my fingers that that was sufficient!  I feel good about getting the one time in prior to ovulation... I just really want this to be our month.  The days after ovulation and timed intercourse are always full of anxiety... feeling like I should've timed it better, done more... ugh!  The only thing I can do now is wait... and pray.

I start my progesterone suppositories tomorrow... yay.

CD 14... much improved

I went in for my second mid-cycle ultrasound this morning.  Everything had improved perfectly!  My lining was 8.8 and the follicle in my left ovary had matured to 18mm!  However.... the ultrasound tech used a lubricant AGAIN!?!?!?!  I have had a million of these ultrasounds and I have never had to say anything before.  It is their job.  They work with women who are going through fertility treatments, so I would assume they know how to do their job.  The tech on Monday didn't use any, so I didn't even think about saying anything today.  I never dreamt someone would mess up twice... but she did.  The minute she inserted the wand, I could feel my anger building.  It was too late for her to change anything, so I didn't say anything to her directly.  I should have, but what was done was done.  I asked the NP when I met with her and all she said was that she didn't like it when they used it, but it will be fine.  Part of me believes her and part of me is so worried that it altered my cervical mucous and now all the spermies will drown and struggle to swim through it!  So annoyed.  I would like to believe my body will have absorbed it and the ph should have returned to normal by the time we have sex again tomorrow night.  I left a message today for a nurse to call me back because they didn't give me an official date to start my progesterone... I can easily figure that out on my own, but it gave me a reason to get them on the phone.  I am just livid.  I am going to the clinic and paying money for all of these ultrasounds and appointments to do EVERYTHING I can to increase our chances of conceiving.  I am not going to pay for services if there is a chance that using a lubricant 2 days prior to ovulation will impact my ability to conceive... even slightly.  I just need someone to talk me off of this ledge.  UGH.  Back to the plan...

Since my lining looked great and I had a mature follicle, they gave me my HCG injection at 9:00am this morning.  Ovulation should occur approximately 24-48 hours after... for me it has always been about 36 hours.  I could expect to ovulate tomorrow about 9pm.  Since we had sex last night to replenish the supply, we are supposed to also have sex tomorrow night and the next night.  We will be heading up to the lake on Friday afternoon for Memorial Day weekend, so I guess we will be doing some very quiet baby making!  HAHA!!  This is the same schedule we were on with the twins, so hopefully that is a good sign.  I am heading to the store tomorrow to pick up the beer and Monster energy drinks for the hubby to drink!  Pulling out all the stops this month!!

Three years ago... one year ago... so many emotions!

This weekend was an emotional one.  I love that Facebook now alerts me to posts that I have previously posted on that day in the past.  This weekend I received memories about a weekend getaway that my hubby and the kids took up to my parents lake cabin.  It was just the four of us and it was so much fun!  Typically my parents were up there, but this time it was just us.  It was so relaxing.   We made good food, drank some wine and got pregnant... ha!!!  I wouldn't find our for a month later, but that was the weekend we got pregnant.  NO meds, NO counting days, NO monitoring... we got pregnant the good old fashioned way!  This was our miracle baby.  Finally, everything was working out like we wanted it to.  That doesn't happen for us.  Well... we should've known better.  Sadly, I would lose that baby in June, but it proved to me that another baby is possible.  We can do this.  It also really ignited that need for another baby.  We tried many months after that the same way.  We weren't necessarily really ready to have another, but we knew we needed to at least try each month because it could take awhile.  A year later and no luck. 

Rewind to 3 years ago... May 2012.  It was a medicated cycle from HELL, that was saved with a bunch of meds, a zillion mature follicles (a slight exaggeration) and a bunch of timed intercourse... and our miracle twins were conceived.  Well... this cycle seems to be right on track with the exact same cycle 3 years ago.  I can only hope that is a good sign!

I went in yesterday (Monday) for my midcycle monitoring cycle on CD12.  I had a thin lining, 5.5mm, and one dominant follicle in the left ovary that measured 13mm.  So frustrating.  Last month at this time I had a thick, perfect lining and a mature follicle that was ready to trigger?!  The month before I had two mature follicles!  What happens to my body in May???  If my body varies this much from cycle to cycle, no wonder we struggle to time intercourse correctly without monitoring!  She gave me two options - trigger in a couple days when we would expect it to be mature, or do a repeat ultrasound on CD14 to see how it has progressed so we can best time the trigger shot.  I am such a control freak, so I picked option 2.  I have an appointment tomorrow morning for another ultrasound.  I want to know exactly what is going on.  If it isn't mature yet or happens to shrink like what happened the month with the twins, she did say that we could do a day or two of injections to mature the follicle prior to the HCG shot.  I feel comfortable doing that knowing that there is only one follicle.  I guess we'll see where we are at tomorrow morning.  I pray that we can get pregnant a third time in May... and that this one sticks!  Praying. 

On another note... I went swimsuit shopping today.  Eek.  I have always hated this task, but it is a million times worse after having twins and not having the time to really take care of yourself.  Ugh!  I found a couple.  I wanted something that covers a lot because I will mostly be chasing around a couple toddlers! 

Hopefully tomorrow's post will be a little more positive!  No shrinking!

Happy Mother's Day.....

So much joy today and for some reason I also feel some immense sadness.  Joy for the two absolutely perfect babies that call me mom and sadness for the 3 little souls that I never got to meet.  I have had a blast with the twins today.  I love their snuggles, kisses and hugs and the sound of their little voices saying "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy"... all treasures that I could've only dreamt of 3 years ago.  It is priceless.  It makes me feel so blessed.  They are my world and I am so happy that they made me a mom... THEIR mom. 

I am spending this Mother's Day in disappointment of another failed cycle.  I went to test on CD13 (Wednesday) and AF was there... I took the hint.  Thanks.  So... here I am on CD4.  I have another mid-cycle ultrasound on CD12 and we will go from there.

This will happen for us again.  I know it will.  Today I will love on my littles and bask in their kisses.  I will dream of the little one that is waiting to be ours and I will never forget the littles that were taken too soon.  I will fill up my heart with their laughter and hold it their forever.