Thursday, May 31, 2012

Sprout must be growing!!

I went in this morning to get my HCG levels check again. They want them to double every 48 hours. Hmy labs this week have been...

Tuesday's HCG = 244
Thursday's HCG = 636

Yay!! Things are looking so awesome! The HCG more than doubled... It almost tripled!! It is such a good sign that little Sprout is growing. With the very high progesterone and the big increase in my HCG, it makes me wonder if there is more than one little Sprout in there?! Wen the nurse was reading through my chart in the phone, she read the HCG level and then said, "oh, you had a lot of little follies... Hmmm!" I love the nurse and we had a laugh. She said not to read too much into the numbers. My hubby is a little afraid we are going to have a litter... I think he would be relieved if there as only one or two in there! I just want one little one, but I would be ecstatic with twins. We scheduled our first gestational u/s on June 19. I will be 6weeks/4days. We would've been due on June 18 with the angel baby I miscarried in November. I know that it will be an emotional week, so I hope it will bring us something to celebrate!! It is absolutely crazy to think back on all of the ups and downs throughout the last 9 months... Ugh. I am so happy that we are finally getting some good news. I am doing my best to stay positive, but I am very nervous! I guess that is normal and the beginning of all the worrying I will do throughout Sprout's life.

I am still not feeling well. I am so full of gas... It just sits in a bubble under my rib cage. It feels like I gorged myself at an all you can eat buffet and now I am bloated and need to burp... But I can't. I have tried prunes, prune juice, fiber cereal, fiber bars, etc. When I walk, I can feel it bubbling. I also have very sore abdominal muscles - like I have done a bunch of sit-ups... Which I didn't! I asked the nurse on Tuesday about the abdominal muscle soreness and the bloating, gas, constipation... All normal! If it is this uncomfortable again tomorrow, I'm going to have to call and talk to someone about it to see what they suggest. I know pregnancy isn't always comfortable, but there has to be something I can take to relieve it. I am loving every minute of being pregnant, and am so absolutely thrilled. I would be in pain like this for 9months if I had to!

And so the waiting continues...next stop June 19!!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Blood test confirms!!

I'm still in shock that this blog has taken such a drastic turn!

I woke up this morning still in utter agony from the constipation and gas.  I talked with the nurse and she said to increase my intake of water and fiber.... ugh.  I need something better than that!  I went in today to have my first of two blood draws and to pick up my increased dose of progesterone suppositories (now 50mg).  I got the results of my blood test back...

HCG = 244
Progesterone = 114 (very high - anything >20 is considered good)

The nurse called and was totally sympathetic with the pain and constipation I've been experiencing.  She said that my progesterone is extremely high, which would cause extreme issues with constipation, bloating and gas.  My body is likely producing enough progesterone on its own and then we are adding in the progesterone suppositories.  I can only imagine what is going to happen now that I have a double dose of progesterone.  She said that the doctor will talk with me about it when we have the first ultrasound, but to continue taking it for now.  If the constipation and gas gets too bad, then I need to give them a call and they would consider doing an enema... YIKES!!!  

Everything looks fabulous so far.  I go in for another blood test on Thursday to check HCG again.  They would expect it to double in the next 48 hours.

This is still so surreal.... am I dreaming?!?

Two pink lines!!

I can't believe I was out of town and couldn't get this posted sooner!  I last updated on Friday, 10dpo while I was on my way to northern Minnesota for a family vacation.  So, here is the weekend in review.........

Sunday, May 27 - 11dpo.......... My hubby and I stayed in the bunk house above the garage, and the bathroom was in the main house.  My bladder was out of control and I tried my hardest to hold it.  I woke up two times in the middle of the night and had to walk out in the middle of the rain to go back to the house to go to the bathroom.  After waking up so many times in the night, I decided to cave and take a test.  I peed on the FRER test stick, but only one line appeared.  Last time, both lines appeared at the same time, so I set it aside and washed my hands.  I picked up the stick to put it in my toiletry bag (to hide it so nobody else knew that I was testing) and I noticed that there were now 2 lines!!!!!  A BFP... FINALLY!  I think I almost fainted.  I sat back down on the toilet and stared at it for about 5 minutes before I could get myself together to leave the bathroom.  I stuck the stick in the waistband of my pants so I could take it back up to the bunk house where my hubby was still sleeping.  I left the house quickly so that everyone who was already up wouldn't talk to me.  I wouldn't have been able to hide my look of surprise!  My hubby was still sleeping, so I laid it on the pillow and asked him what time he thought the stores opened in town so we could go back and buy all the cute baby stuff!  He stared at it for a long time before he said anything.  He kind of went into panic mode and started asking how positive a positive is and talking about how nervous he is to get his hopes up.  We are both so cautious about getting too excited, but I think that is only natural after all that we have been through.  We laid there for a little while and talked before we got up for the day.  He wanted me to take another test just for good measure.  After a couple hours of holding it, I retested with a FRER and an internet cheapie... both were positive!  The internet cheapie was very light, but the line was there!  It was official, and my hubby was convinced.  We decided we were going to share our news with my family right away since we were all on vacation together... we just needed to find the right time.  Everyone started asking the plans for the day, and my hubby said that he wanted to go back into town to go to a sporting goods store and so did my dad... I was thrilled!  I think my hubby was only wanting to go so that I could buy the things I wanted!  What a sweetheart!  I got to go look at all the baby stuff again and this time I actually had a reason!  We went to Reed's first and then my mom and I went to one of the cute little boutiques.  I bought one thing for decorating a nursery... I had to play it off to my mom that I didn't know if I should buy it!  Here it is...


Then we went to the next store - my favorite!!  They had such amazing stuff.  Most of which I couldn't buy because it wasn't gender neutral, but I so badly wanted a couple things to hang on the wall and a cool maternity book.  I couldn't get myself to buy them in front of my parents without giving it away.  My dad then promised that he would drive back up to the store to buy them whenever we got pregnant (that's over a 4 hour drive)!!  Hmmm... I'll take him up on that one!!  We left the store and went to buy some candy and taffy, hit up a couple more stores and then headed back to the cabin.  The guys went golfing and the women did some fishing with the kids and I painted my sister's nails.  When the guys came back, we sat out by the bonfire... it took awhile for everyone to sit down at the same time.  My hubby then announced to my dad that he was going to have to go back to town if he was going to keep his promise to me.  Everyone was in such absolute disbelief!  It was a total 180 from the IVF talk!  My mom and dad were speechless.  My mom stared at me in disbelief and my dad got teary eyed... he couldn't even talk.  My sister and her husband were so happy for us!  Out of nowhere, my nephew and my  mom brought down a brown bag.  I opened it up and there were all of the things I wanted from the store!  My dad had already gone and bought them while we were at the candy shop!  I couldn't believe how sneaky they are.  It was such an awesome gesture that they went out of there way to be sure to get those special gifts! 


 



We spent the rest of the night boating, eating and celebrating!  It is so crazy, I had dreamed of this day for so many months... it is finally happening!

Throughout the day, I started getting some weird abdominal pain... like constipation and gas. UGH!  The progesterone suppositories are known for causing both because progesterone slows down your digestive track.  I didn't get any constipation from the suppositories last month, but apparrently it had greatly increased!

We went to bed that night with a huge weight lifted off our shoulders.  I woke up three times Sunday night as well.... and so it begins!


Monday, May 28 - 12dpo..........  I woke up in the morning and took another couple tests.... not sure why, but it made me feel good!  I guess I wanted to know if the internet cheapies really worked.  I got a stron positive on the FRER.  The other test strip turned positive, but it took a little longer and wasn't as dark.  The constipation and gas pain was still there and was getting worse and more annoying.  I knew I needed to increase my fiber and fluid intak, but that wasn't giving me the relief I wanted!  We cleaned up the cabin, packed up and headed back home.  The car ride wasn't bad, we stopped often to go to the bathroo, but we made it!!

I am still in disbelief.... I still don't think it has sunk in!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

10dpo.......... Cruel!

What a roller coaster of a day. It was a chilly day, so we took a drive into a quaint little lake town that had some super cute shops. The first boutique had some fabulous decorations, but the little baby section caught my eye. I think I stood there for over an hour. The had some artwork that had some of the best sayings and I just stood there and cried... Totally embarrassing! There were decorations and clothes, blankets and a picture frame that said "TWICE BLESSED".... Maybe that was a sign?!?! I couldn't control my emotions... PMS or PG??? If i am PG, it is probably a good thing that i didn't know for sure because I think I would've bought out the entire store ! I have just felt very odd today. On top of all the emotions, my boobs are still so sore, but what I have noticed the most today is the complete exhaustion and my stomach feels like I have butterflies flying around inside. I'm not nauseous, but food just doesn't sound good. Almost a constant nervous feeling. I'm dying to test, but I know that it is probably still too early. We're having a great time, but the days can't go fast enough!

We spent the rest of the day going to all the little shops and then we came back and went fishing for awhile. Now we are getting ready for dinner and then some card playing! Wish I could join everyone else and have a couple glasses of wine. Who knows... I might be abstaining for no reason at all!!

My sister is convinced that I'm pregnant, but I can't even think abut it. I keep talking about the next cycle. She asked if I will be less disappointed if I don't get my hopes up... This is so true. I just can't even see a glimmer of hope until I see the 2 pink lines. I will believe it when I see it!!

Friday, May 25, 2012

9dpo.......... Pregnancy symptoms or all in my head??

We are in the middle of our rode trip to northern Minnesota...talk about a trip with the Griswold's!! There are 4 adults, a 5 year old, a yorkie-poo and all our stuff packed tightly into our SUV. It is ridiculous how much stuff we have... We even have a hitch hauler for my nephew's bike and the overflow luggage. The guys sacrificed their stuff and strapped their bags to the back of the vehicle... We are crossing our fingers they are still there when we stop!!

The ride is going fine... We just stopped to eat lunch and nothing sounded good. My stomach has been feeling kind of queasy the whole ride and I am exhausted and emotional. I'm trying not to read into it too much because I sometimes feel like I can talk myself into thinking I'm pregnant.

This 2ww business is so cruel... There is a ton riding on this cycle. It signals the end of any hopes of conceiving without any major interventions and the beginning of our IVF journey and making babies in a petri dish! Such a weird concept!

We are almost there... only 3 days left and I am so nervous.....

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

7dpo.......... Halfway there!

I made it to the halfway point... Phew. This 2ww is so long, but I'm actually feeling cautiously optimistic about this cycle. Could this really be the month for our BFP??

The rest of the 2ww should go pretty fast. I've been spending the past couple days up at the lake with my parents and my nephew. I'm heading back tomorrow to pick up my hubby and then we are heading back up here tomorrow night. We leave on Friday morning to head up to my brother-in-law's dad's cabin in northern Minnesota for the weekend. By the time we get back on Monday night, I should know the fate of this month. I could start testing as early as CD10 on Saturday, but I hate to see that BFN. Monday will be CD12, which is usually the day AF decides to show up. I didn't bring any tests and I didn't bring anything for AF, so hopefully she stays away!! I am refusing to test this month until CD14... We'll see how that works!

I just wish I had a crystal ball....

Monday, May 21, 2012

5dpo..........

I haven't posted for a couple days because we've been up at the lake cabin with my family.  My sister was home from Minneapolis with her husband and my two nephews (5 and almost 2 years old).  We didn't do much, just spent some time visiting and catching up on what's going on in life!  It was nice to get away for the weekend and to get to spend some time with family.  It made the first several days of the 2ww go pretty fast. 

I started the first official week of my summer vacation and it is AWESOME!!  I'm trying to enjoy this first weeks off before I dive into the list of projects we want to get done.  Today I made some returns, stopped by the mall and picked up a Cinn-a-bon (I have no idea why), brought it home and had some orange juice, ate my cinnamon roll and watched a movie!  It was so relaxing... My hubby called and let me know he had a tee time, so we spent the afternoon on the golf course!  I loved it...  it was so much fun to spend some time together not focusing on TTC and just laughing.   

My nephew is staying with my parents for the week, so I'm heading up to the lake tomorrow afternoon to spend a couple days with my nephew and my mom while my dad goes out of town for a couple days.  I'll be heading back home on Thursday to pack some things and pick up my hubby and then we are heading back up to the lake on Thursday night so we can drive up to a lake in Minnesota to stay at a cabin with my sister and her family.... this is exactly why I don't want to get a job over the summer!  I love the flexibility and there is always something to do!!  The good thing is that all of this traveling is going to help pass this 2ww a little faster... I hope!

I've been having quite a bit of light menstrual-like cramping.... of course I fantasize that it is implantation.  I just can't help but wonder what the heck is going on in there?!?!?

Friday, May 18, 2012

2dpo..........

Today was a day... not a good day, not a bad day... just a day.  It is crazy to think that I only ovualted 2 days ago.  At this rate, my 2ww is going to seem like an eternity!  My abdomen is still a bit tender and bloated from ovualtion.  Ovulation started on Wednesday night, which caused BDing to be the most incredibly painful thing I have ever experienced on Wednesday and Thursday!  It felt like my ovaries, uterus and cervix were so sensitive and a little bruised.  We made it through, but it was NOT fun.  I called the nurse today to see if this was normal and she said that unfortunately it is normal when having multiple follicles rupture.  I guess this is what happens with you have a whole litter of follicles waiting to rupture!  I wonder how many eggs were actually released??  It is strange to think that there could be a total miracle happening in my uterus right now!!  Wouldn't that be just an amazing surprise??

I have one good friend who I have been sharing my TTC journey with because she was also TTC.  I got a text from her today announcing that she is expecting and due in December.... totalyl crushed.  I was sitting in the waiting room at the dermatologist and I almost lost it.  I so badly want to be happy for her, but I can't.  Every time I hear of another person who gets pregnant or has a baby it feels like someone punched me in my stomach.  My heart literally breaks.  It might be selfish and it might be a bit of a pity party, but I can only take so much of other people's good news!  I am ready for some... seriously... why can't something work out for us? I know that life isn't fair, but this is just cruel. 

I am trying to stay positive for this cycle.  I have such a good feeling that we must have caught one of those eggs that was released!!  I also have a sense of calm because we have a plan for what comes next.  It is scary to think that we have come to this decision, but it is what is best for us in this journey. 

Will anything good come out of this cycle???  Crossing my fingers and toes that a little miracle is at work.....

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Ovulation day... OUCH!!

Well... Ovulation with multiple follicles and enlarged ovaries is crazy painful! I've been having some pretty significant cramping for the past hour and it is right in time for ovulation... Almost exactly 36 hours after the HCG trigger shot that I got yesterday morning. I am having some painful cramping in my ovaries and lots of lower back pain. Sometimes the pain on my ovaries is pretty sharp. We were instructed to BD the night of the trigger (last night), tonight and tomorrow night. This was a little different than last months schedule so hopefully that will do the trick! We BDed tonight and I think we timed it perfectly. I wanted to BD right before ovulation occurred, and I think I started ovulating shortly after...crossing my fingers the timing was right!!

It was the last day of school today (for teachers), so I am officially done with work for the summer! This is my first summer off in 6 year because I previously worked for a school that was year round. I'm debating whether or not to get a part time job... It would be nice to have a little extra cash, but I'm hoping to be very busy next summer with a new baby (I'm apparently optimistic today), so it would be awesome to relax and enjoy the time off. I have lots on my "Honey Do" list, but I'm going to take the next week or so to just chill out and relax... So excited!!

Wonder how many ended up releasing?! I am praying that one little sperm is victorious in his journey!!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Hope is restored!

Today is CD16.  I went in for my follow-up u/s appt after 4 days of Menopur.... I have 9 follicles... YIKES!!!!   It seems to be all or nothing with us.  My lining thickened from 3mm to 8.9, which is great!  On to the ovaries - I have 5 follicles on the right side... 17, 16, 16, 15, 15mm and 4 follicles on the left side... 14, 14, 12, 10mm.  I have 3 follicles that will release eggs for sure, but it is VERY possible that my ovaries could release all 5 from the right ovary and it could happen that I release the 2 eggs from the larger follicles on the left as well.  A mature follicle is anything over 18mm and they grow about 1-2mm a day. I just got my last Menopur injection last night, so she is expecting them to grow about another 2mm by tomorrow. Then, I get the HCG trigger tomorrow morning, so she is expecting that they will grow about another 2mm by the time ovualtion actually occurs.... so they could all possibly grow another 4mm prior to ovulation?!?! That would give me follicles that are 21 20, 20, 19, 19, 18, 18, 15, 14 ...    That could make 7 follicles over 18mm!  It scares me a bit because we are increasing our chances of multiples.  Multiples seems crazy... We can't seem to get one to work... How the heck are we going to get more than one??? So, we are just going to worry about getting one egg fertilized and will have to deal with the multiples if that somehow happens!  I am hoping that I release many of the egs... the more targets the better!!   It is crazy how fast hope can be renewed in the current cycle. I'm feeling good about this cycle again....

I should ovulate on Wednesday evening, so I can test on the last day of this month... only 17 days left! UGH!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Wonder how the little follies are doing now??

My hubby and I have officially survived our first round of injectible meds.  The menopur injections are subcutaneous injections given once a day (in the fatty area below the belly button).  They do burn going in, but my hubby is getting pretty good at making a very quick poke.  The anticipation is actually worse than the actual shot.  The side effects of these meds are definitely more apparent than with the Femara.  I have had many headaches, fatigue, nausea, lower back aches, etc.  My appointment is at 9:15 tomorrow morning, and I'm anxious to see if/how things are progressing.  I'm hoping that at least 4 of the little follies have FINALLY grown and are ready to go with an HCG shot tomorrow.  This would be the ideal situation, but if you haven't noticed... things don't always follow the "ideal" path for us.  We like to take the long way around sometimes and if it can go wrong... it will go wrong for me!  The most I can ask for is slightly larger follicles.  Even if they aren't ready to go, I would be thrilled if they are just getting a little bigger. 

We are back to the question I asked about a week ago... how many follies will there be??

Grow little follies.... grow! 

Happy Mother's Day....

To all of you ladies along this journey with me who are feeling empty this Mother's Day... I found this and wanted to share it with you.  We are all mother's of Angel Babies and deserve to be celebrated for what we have had to endure... 

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
 
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start



Today is harder than I ever expected... I am celebrating the mothers that we have in our lives and all that they have done for us, but I'm also mourning the baby that I will never get to hold or be a "real" mother to.  Last year, I never dreamt that I would be spending another Mother's Day on this journey without something to celebrate... rather, the realization that this path is only getting longer, more emotional and a lot more stressful.  I celebrated Mother's Day yesterday with my mom... we went golfing and ate dinner up at their lake cabin.  Instead of talking about all the preparations for our baby that was supposed to be arriving in a month or about how it feels to finally be a mom, we spent it talking about HOW and IF I'm ever going to be a mother and if my hubby will ever be a father.  I know it kills my parents to see us struggling so much, so I felt horrible that this was the news we had to bring them.   I know that there are bigger plans for me, that this isn't the end of this journey and that I will get the opportunity to hold a baby that is all my own in my arms.  It is hard to think positively when all of  your hopes and dreams have already been ripped away without any warning.  It is like you are always waiting for the next round of bad news. 


When do we get a break... when will good things start happening for us... when will life get a little easier and more fun... when can we relax and be truly happy?

Happy Mother's Day....  

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Seriously.... Give a girl a break.

I had my Cd12 follow-up u/s today and was completely disappointed. The follicles didn't grow and neither did my uterine lining. I still had 4 follicles at 10 - 12mm on the right (yes, they shrunk) and now many follicles at 10mm on the left (yes, they shrunk). So.... we are pretty much back at square one. I guess I could've done better than this on my own!!! In order to save the month, we spent $300 on Menopur injections and will do those for the next 4 days with a repeat u/s on Monday - CD16. So far this cycle I've had 2 extra u/s and 2 extra office visits... not covered by insurance and not cheap. I asked the doctor what he would recommend next cycle since I'm not responding well to the Femara and he said that he wouldn't recommend doing oral meds again and would recommend going strait to injectibles. Whether we wanted to do a cycle with "sexual relations" or move onto IVF was up to us... How frustrating. There are so many risks with injectibles and not doing IVF... like being the Octomom! The injectible hyper stimulate your ovaries, which is good if you are retrieving the eggs, but not so good if you ovulate them all and they all fertilize! Not to mention the expense. By the time we do a couple cycles with injectibles on top of the 2 cycles we've already done, we'll have spent almost as much as one cycle of IVF.... Not. Happy.

I absolutely adore my hubby. He has been a rock through this whole thing. I know that he feels absolutely horrible and is beyond frustrated becuase he feels like the majority of this falls on his shoulders... Ummm... Pretty sure it is my body that is failing us currently?!? I feel terrible that I can't be the entire reason. That would be easier for me because I hate that he feels that guilt. It is just so hard to understand how all of these things go wrong all at the same time. I mean really... Give a girl a break!!

We talked and cried (at least I did) a lot about it today and have decided that IVF is really our only option if we aren't successful this month. We are both completely emotionally drained and I dont want it to start effecting our relationship if we continue down this path. I am so tired of constantly thinking about having a baby, but constantly failing. I want nothing more than to be a mom and I fear that it will never happen. It does give me some relief that we now have a back-up plan. The RE told us that we have awesome chances with IVF because it overcomes the fertilization process. We will have to do IVF woth ICSI (actually injecting the sperm into the eggs) because of hubby's poor morpholgy and their difficulty fertilizing. I know that our chances are great, but I would still be afraid that something would go wrong... Because it always does.

I'm still holding out hope for this cycle.... We've just got a long ways to go.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Wait and see.......

I had my CD10 u/s today to check the progress of my follicles and I'm having some major mixed emotions about how it went...

I have four follicles that are all 11-12mm on the rights side and three 11mm follicles on the left!!!  Count that... that is 7 follicles!  I was so relieved to see multiple follicles, but disappointed that none of them are mature yet.  Because my last natural cycle (#12) was incredibly short, they had me come in a couple days earlier than normal in order to make sure I didn't ovualte on my own.  So... for CD10, 11-12mm is ok (not great, but OK).  I was told to let them mature a couple more days on their own and then to come in on CD12 for another u/s.  GRRR....  Another waiting game.  Hopefully 3-4 of them will continue to mature on their own.  If they don't mature enough on their own, then he wants to do a couple days of injections prior to the HCG shot in order to help them mature a little further... UGH.  The other issue is that my uterine lining is a little thin... DUH... I was spotting forever!!  The lining should grow as the follicles continue to grow, and if it isn't thick enough on Thursday then the injectibles will help this grow as well.  No matter what, this month isn't wasted... there is always a back-up plan!         

Now my mind is reeling.... if we have to add injections in order to get mature follicles this month, then that means that my body isn't responding to the meds very well.  If things don't end up coming around, then it is on to injectibles (similar to IVF, but not as many).  Then I start questioning if this is the right path.  How many cycles do we do like this before we just move on.  We could do about 7-8 medicated cycles (we've already done 2) and will have spent as much as if we would've just gone through with IVF from the beginning... but we'd probably be pregnant and have our sanity intact!

I know there is a lot of good news that came from today and a lot that is just wait and see, but for some reason I'm only focused on the negatives.  Why can't things just be "normal" for us?

Monday, May 7, 2012

Grow little follies, grow.....

I woke up this morning and the spotting had pretty much stopped!  You have no idea what a relief that was.  I thought for sure this month was wasted and something was wrong... again.  I don't think I can take another setback.  The past several days have been incredibly frustrating, so it was a nice relief for things to go back to "normal".

Today we had to start thinking about all of the timing again.  We were instructed to BD this morning or afternoon in order to freshen the supply in case my follicles are ready for the HCG shot tomorrow.  So we had to have a little lunch "date" in order to keep to the timing they have set for us!  Nothing like a little SOD (sex on demand!)... ha!  My u/s appointment is tomorrow at 10:45 to check the number and size of my little follies.  I'm still crossing my fingers for 3... or 4!


Grow little follies, grow...

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Coming to an end???

I have spent the entire day taking clothes off and putting them back on.... Taking them off and putting them back on... Taking them off and putting them back on...

It isn't what you think!! I am having some incredible hot flashes! I think the side effects of the Femara have hit me harder after I finished them, than while I was actually taking them. I had a headache, was exhausted, nauseous and Was either hot or cold all day long. On the upside, the spotting seems to be slowing down and will hopefully stop by tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the last full week of school! I am so excited that I can barely contain myself! I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for the summer. There is a huge part of me that just wants to use the summer to regroup emotionally, relax and hopefully get knocked up!



Crossing my fingers for no more spotting tomorrow... This has been a total pain in my butt.

What the heck is going on?!?!?!?

TMI ALERT...

I had a horrible night last night... Ugh. I took my last dose of the Femara yesterday morning. I still had some dark brown spotting yesterday, which I was hoping would go away after I stopped the Femara.  I was up all night last night with hot flashes, crazy dreams and some pretty significant abdominal cramping. I woke up this morning and the cramping was gone, but the dark brown spotting had turned into a dark brownish/purplish (brown/red mixed) light flow.  Over the past couple days the spotting has also been accompanied with some clots or what appears to be uterine lining?!  I know that it is old blood and lining since it is so dark in color.  There isn't any bright red spotting indicating new blood.  I have done some researching online and have found other people who have reported having similar concerns and their doctors were not concerned.  Apparently, Femara creates a very thick and fluffy lining and sometimes tends to get rid of extra old lining.  Hmmm... I am so anxious to call the RE tomorrow and see if this is normal.  I'm a bit concerned that the increase in dose from 5.0 to 7.5mg of Femara caused my ovaries to mature the follicles and ovulate naturally VERY early.  The cramping last night felt a lot like ovulation cramps, but I know that my ovaries are also very stimulated and who knows what I'm feeling!  I can only pray that as the day goes on and the Femara gets out of my system,  that the spotting will stop! 

We have to BD tomorrow in preparation for the HCG trigger shot and that could get very uncomfortable and messy!  Why can't we just have a nice and normal cycle?!  I am so sick of this TTC crap and nothing every going as planned.  GRRRR... why can't my husband just sneeze and knock me up??  Seems to work for most other people!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Eternally spotting...

The title says it all.... I am currently having the never-ending cycle!! I haven't stopped spotting yet... Ugh! Makes it pretty hard to take my vaginal Ovacue readings.

We are at a pretty boring part in my cycle right now. I did have acupuncture today and it was so relaxing! I wish I could go every other day... Love. It.

Nothing big planned for the weekend... Lots of relaxing!!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

TGIF.....tomorrow!

I'm sitting here in bed tossing and turning because I'm completely exhausted but can NOT sleep! It is the craziest thing! I noticed an increase in irritability today, but nothing drastic. I am just so tired that I daydream about taking a nap all day long.

I can't even express how thrilled I am that it is Friday tomorrow... Only 8 days of school left before summer officially begins! The school year went fast, but these last several weeks have drug on and on. We don't have any huge plans for the weekend... We are going to plant our garden and watch the Kentucky Derby. It will be the first time in 5 years that we aren't going to have our annual Derby Party... We have a very large group of friends that we have known since high school (most since ekementary school!!) We are at a rough spot with all of our friends. We have 3 friends who are pregnant and due around our previous due date.. Of course they are all PG with their second child. So aside from the PG couples, the rest of them have new babies or toddlers and I just can't handle it. There is one other couple that is TTC and we see each other on a pretty consistent basis. However, I am not in a spot where I can handle listening to all the baby and kid talk. I know I will be the same way whenever we get pregnant, but I just can't even stand the thought of it. I am so incredibly happy for them, but I'm starting to get just a little bit bitter. Not to mention the fact that I am on so many fertility meds and hormones that I'm not having anything to drink and tear up at the sight of a pregnant woman!

I am so excited that tomorrow is Friday, but even more so for my acupuncture appointment tomorrow after school... I am in desperate need for some relaxation. I always sleep so well the couple nights after acupuncture, so hopefully that will counteract these side effects. My housekeeper is coming tomorrow as well... Nothing like some relaxation and a clean house to start a weekend!!

Wonder how the follicles are developing??

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Complete exhaustion!

I'm on the second day of the Femara and the only side effect that I've really noticed is how extremely tired it makes me - my hubby is very thankful that I'm still very pleasant!   I take it right away in the morning and by afternoon, I can barely keep my eyes open while I'm trying to do therapy with my students.  I even daydreamed about where I could take a nap today!  I couldn't get home and change into my pajamas fast enough, and I've now taken up residence on the couch and sleeping is sounding so inviting...

On Wednesdays, several speech therapists get together over lunch to touch base and collaborate.  One of the therapists is currently on maternity leave and brought her absolutely adorable daughter.  She is one of my favorite coworkers, and even though I usually I can't look at pregnant women or new babies, it was so healing to hold her little one.  It reminded me of why we are on this journey and that the end prize is absolutely priceless!  As I held her today, I couldn't help but think of our little one that I am supposed to be carrying.   We were supposed to be due June 18... it is quickly approaching and  thinking about it makes me feel completely empty.  This journey was supposed to be almost over... the baby clothes would be already be bought and washed and the nursery would be decorated.  Instead, we are back at the beginning of yet another cycle...

I'm thinking positively and visualizing the success of this month... aside from taking all the  medications and BDing... it is all I can do!