Thursday, May 10, 2012

Seriously.... Give a girl a break.

I had my Cd12 follow-up u/s today and was completely disappointed. The follicles didn't grow and neither did my uterine lining. I still had 4 follicles at 10 - 12mm on the right (yes, they shrunk) and now many follicles at 10mm on the left (yes, they shrunk). So.... we are pretty much back at square one. I guess I could've done better than this on my own!!! In order to save the month, we spent $300 on Menopur injections and will do those for the next 4 days with a repeat u/s on Monday - CD16. So far this cycle I've had 2 extra u/s and 2 extra office visits... not covered by insurance and not cheap. I asked the doctor what he would recommend next cycle since I'm not responding well to the Femara and he said that he wouldn't recommend doing oral meds again and would recommend going strait to injectibles. Whether we wanted to do a cycle with "sexual relations" or move onto IVF was up to us... How frustrating. There are so many risks with injectibles and not doing IVF... like being the Octomom! The injectible hyper stimulate your ovaries, which is good if you are retrieving the eggs, but not so good if you ovulate them all and they all fertilize! Not to mention the expense. By the time we do a couple cycles with injectibles on top of the 2 cycles we've already done, we'll have spent almost as much as one cycle of IVF.... Not. Happy.

I absolutely adore my hubby. He has been a rock through this whole thing. I know that he feels absolutely horrible and is beyond frustrated becuase he feels like the majority of this falls on his shoulders... Ummm... Pretty sure it is my body that is failing us currently?!? I feel terrible that I can't be the entire reason. That would be easier for me because I hate that he feels that guilt. It is just so hard to understand how all of these things go wrong all at the same time. I mean really... Give a girl a break!!

We talked and cried (at least I did) a lot about it today and have decided that IVF is really our only option if we aren't successful this month. We are both completely emotionally drained and I dont want it to start effecting our relationship if we continue down this path. I am so tired of constantly thinking about having a baby, but constantly failing. I want nothing more than to be a mom and I fear that it will never happen. It does give me some relief that we now have a back-up plan. The RE told us that we have awesome chances with IVF because it overcomes the fertilization process. We will have to do IVF woth ICSI (actually injecting the sperm into the eggs) because of hubby's poor morpholgy and their difficulty fertilizing. I know that our chances are great, but I would still be afraid that something would go wrong... Because it always does.

I'm still holding out hope for this cycle.... We've just got a long ways to go.

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