A glass of wine and a good cry.....

So I finally caved in this morning and tested.... This is what I saw!

Well not really, but I think you get the gist.  A BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!  Talk about total disappointment.  To make matters worse, it looks like AF has arrived... which totally takes away the hope that my blood test would come back positive.  However, I'm a bit confused, because I didn't think I was supposed to get AF while still on the progesterone!?  It is enough at this point to warrant a light tampon, so I guess this is CD1 of Cycle #14.... which means that even on the progesterone, I only had a 12 day luteal phase.... sufficient, but interesting!  I guess it is back to the RE's office tomorrow for a routine blood test and hopefully they can do the baseline u/s all at the same time.  We talked about increasing the Femara this month to hopefully get more than one mature follicle to increase our chances.... 

I told my hubby and I had a good cry.  He keeps his feelings very bottled up, but they kind of exploded.  He got all frustrated and started talking about the fact that we were going to have to spend all of our savings to ever make this happen.  He went on about how much it hurts him to see me going through all this because he feels very responsible.  He would rather go broke than continue to see me go through all of this for the next 6 months.  He is sad that I've had to change.... he doesn't think I'm not as carefree and happy as I used to be and that makes him sad... me too!  I, of course, become the optimist.  I explained to him that the medicated cycles increase our chances, but it isn't a guarantee that we will get pregnant the first month we are on them.  Next month we will make some adjustments and hopefully that will make all the difference!  He thought that it if it didn't work this month then it wasn't ever going to work... ha!  He was much relieved after I told him that we can do this for several months before having to move onto anything more extreme. 

I think part of what he sees of me not being as carefree not only has to do with us struggling to get pregnant, but also my job.  I absolutely love what I do, but I struggle to enjoy the environment I work in.  We only have 2 weeks left before the end of the school year and I think the summer will be good for both of us.  I have decided not to get a job, but to spend time doing things that I love and being stress free!  We need to spend the 2ww doing things together that get our minds off what we are waiting for and I think this will be much easier in the summer. 

It is weird that a BFN and AF bring sadness, but also a little relief.  It is so sad that all of the hopes are gone for this month, but I do feel relieved that I no longer have to wonder and can look forward to starting the next cycle!  It's crazy how soon hope is restored when I start thinking about the hopes for next cycle!

So.... I'm going to have a glass of wine and a good cry because....  here we go again!!!