Saturday, April 28, 2012

To test or not to test....... that is the question?!

I'm 12dpo today... with my pregnancy last year, I didn't test positive until AF was 3 days late!  I only have one kidney, so I've been trying to figure out if this could cause the HCG to hit my urine stream late (possibly why I can't ever get a positive OPK either).  Grrrrr.

So... What do I do?!?!?  I so badly want to test, but I can't bring myself to do it.  I'm terrified of seeing a BFN (even if it is a false negative because it is too early)... until I see that BFN, there is still hope.  My hubby is absolutely conviced that this is the month.  My head is telling me I'm not so I shouldn't get my hopes up, but my heart is telling me that I am absolutely pregnant... talk about confusing!  I've never actually argued with myself.  Before the miscarriage in November, I feel like I was handling the 2ww a lot better.  AF arrived and we began the next cycle.  Now it feels like all of my hopes and dreams are hanging on each HPT and each BFN is a step farther away from these dreams and a step closer to extreme measures.  This journeyis starting to run my lives and I'm beginning to get very bitter and sad.....

As you can probably tell, today has been a very tough day.  I'm extremely emotional today, which is totally messing with my head.  I've been angry, sad and started crying just watching TV.  My poor hubby...  Now, it would all be justified if I knew I was going crazy because I was pregnant, but instead I feel like I'm just plain crazy!  I'm still feeling all the same symptoms as before, but now I've also been getting waves of nausea.... is this all in my head???  I've been searching all over the internet and all I can find is that the progesterone suppositories basically make you feel pregnant... are you serious?!?  Yeah, cuz this is exactly what women who are struggling TTC need during the 2ww.  UGH!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Ali-
    I am sorry you are having a rough day *hug*. I have almost cried several times today just thinking about my mom and wishing I were pregnant already. I think hope and positive thinking are so important. Before each of my med school test (and all important life events) my husband and I visualize me doing well lol. I visualize my mom's tumor shrinking all the tiem. I will be visualizing a positive test (and more importantly pregnancy) for you! If you think a BFN would be too difficult at this point, do you think you can just wait until Tuesday? Since Tuesday is 15 dpo are you going in to the doctor to get blood drawn that day to check if you are pregnant? I think your kidney could effect your uring pregnancy test, so the blood test will give you a yes or no with certainty. Can your husband go with you for the blood test? Will your doctor run the test and give you the results right away? Sorry for so many questions!